Fly like a nerd - the Geek is back!
Put on Abba Gold, get out the pistachio nuts and crack open the ginger beer – it’s time to celebrate! Nerds are back in fashion! Goodbye George Michael, goodbye P. Diddy, goodbye Liam Gallagher …. Hello Graham Norton, hello David Walliams, hello Bill Gates and hello Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! Geek is the new sleek.
Nerd is the new world. Songs from the musicals, ballroom dancing and weird talents were once the domain of the nerds – now it’s prime time Saturday night compulsive viewing! The nations gone nerdy. Geeks used to be the butt of everybody’s jokes. Now they’re heading the way in becoming the new billionaires of our time!
Remember – Geek and you will find!
You're probably wandering where it all began! You won't believe this but...
In the beginning
God created the Nerd.
The nerd was without basic social skills
and very fidgety,
and the Spirit of the Lord hovered
over the slightly zitty face of the geek.
And God said, ‘Let there be light sabers’
and there were loads of them,
enough to go around.
And God looked on their faces and
said it was good...
The next day, God said,
‘Let there be an expanse between the waters above and the waters below,’ so the nerds could see better.
And God saw the nerds gazing through their greasy, slanted spectacles as the array of Columnus Nimbus clouds.
And God said it was good
to see them enjoying partial sightedness.
On the third day, God said,
‘Let dry ground appear.’
And it was so.
Every nerd marvelled at the earth’s spherical nature and each bought themselves a globe to play with. God saw the nerds being nerdy and said it was good.
God then said,
‘Let vegetation appear.’
And it appeared on the earth and in the crevices and orifices of every nerd. And God thought ‘It’s not so good,’ but He kept his thoughts to Himself.
On the fourth day, God said,
‘Let lights appear in the sky – one that governs the day and another that governs the night, as well as lots and lots of stars.’ All of the nerds looked up and wondered – if they could travel faster than light, would they be able to see themselves before they left….
God knew it would entertain the nerds for a considerably long time, so He also created lab technicians, geography teachers and university lecturers.
On the fifth day, God created lots of sea creatures.
The nerds thought God was brilliant for making them look so familiar to other nerds they knew. God knew it to be true but kept it zipped.
On the sixth day, God created land creatures as well as some great companions for the nerds – normal people with which to have a normal conversation. The nerds, however, were not interested. They loved their nerdiness so much they all bought handkerchiefs and placed them in their front pockets so they’d all recognise each other.
On the seventh day, God rested from all His work.
The nerds, however, all went to the Steam Railway Exhibition when it became obvious to them that they were actually the normal ones.
The nerds all suddenly stepped to the left where they could have sworn they each saw themselves before they stepped.
Homonerdus: What kind are you?
There’s one in all of us that’s itching to come out! Every one of us have nerdy tendencies and a stack of nerdy potential. Amongst the species of Homo-nerdus are families of nerds, each with their own unique mannerisms, quirks and abilities.
There are 5 families:
1. Nerdus Practicus
2. Nerdus Technicus
3. Nerdus Anorakus
4. Nerdus Brainus
5. Nerdus Dumbus
Nerdus Practicus
Nerdus practicus are like adult boy scouts – always ready for any eventuality. Everyone needs to know and befriend one. They will come in handy when a giant avalanche is heading in your general direction.
1. More often that not, you carry a man-sized handkerchief in the front pocket of your trousers. (You regularly wash that handkerchief while remaining in the pocket of your trousers - Not you but your handkerchief. If it was you, you would be a very small geek indeed.)
2. You regularly check the next day’s weather the night before to work out your clothing requirements for the morning.
3. Before a long road trip, you usually plot your journey beforehand on a road atlas and look for refuelling spots along the way.
4. You always carry an assortment of pens with you and when someone asks if they could borrow a pen, you ask, ‘What colour?’
5. You keep some butterscotch, some boiled sweets or even genuine Werthers in the glove box of your car for emergency situations.
6. You have a drawer that is dedicated to the god of light bulbs and is stocked up regularly. (You also have a second drawer dedicated to the battery god.)
7. Your Christmas shopping is done well in advance to avoid the Christmas rush. You have been known to buy presents as far back as August to save money in the mid year sales.
8. If you find that there is a fair quantity of food still left on the table at a restaurant, you always ask for a doggy bag (even if it is boiled vegetables).
9. You’ve thought about getting a mini fire extinguisher for your car just in case of an electrical fire or crash. (You already have the first aid kit.)
10. When boarding an airplane, you always study the emergency exits and your evacuation plan in case of serious emergency.
Nerdus Technicus
Nerdus technicus is the family of nerds that love to fiddle. The jobs they do are functional and meticulously dull to the non nerdy world. They love a good manual, a good argument and good natter even if no one is really listening.
1. You have an obsessively keen interest in things that are not really noticed by the greater public and, wow, are they missing out!
2. You are pretty good at converting kilograms to pounds, kilometres to miles and metres to feet as well as American dollars to British pounds.
3. You don’t like newspapers and magazines that don’t give you all of the facts and details you are looking for in order to be properly informed.
4. You love to dismantle things, and sometimes take special care so as not to avoid the warranty.
5. Before you power up your new mobile phone, you look carefully through the instruction manual.
6. When boarding an aeroplane with family or friends, you’ve mentioned on more than one occasion how the plane successfully stays up in the air without crashing.
7. Whenever you drive past or over a bridge, you always wonder how it stays up.
8. If there is a problem with the plumbing, the dishwasher or the washing machine, you would try to fix it before asking for assistance.
9. You have actually corrected a shop assistant about the technical spec of an item being displayed.
10. You feel a little bit of a power surge when someone asks you to fix something at the office or in their home that’s stopped working. That includes people with financial problems.
Nerdus Anorakus
Nerdus anorakus is the family of nerds that have no dress sense and are not really interested in conforming with mainstream society. They are pleasantly oblivious to fashion, personal space and smell. At some stage every student becomes one and many never return from whence they came.
1. The shirt you are currently wearing is more than three years old – why buy new when you can wear old.
2. You have a total of less than 4 good friends and every now and then you go to the movies on your own.
3. You are often in bed by 10pm and occasionally like a nice hot chocolate drink to make you a little sleepy.
4. There’s no way you’re going to spend over £2 on a Starbucks when you own a perfectly good thermos.
5. Your wardrobe consists almost entirely of beige, khaki green and grey clothing. (If war came to our country, you would not be spotted by the enemy.)
6. When you see someone flying a model plane, your pulse rate increases and you react like a man addicted to crack cocaine.
7. Right now, the socks that you are wearing almost match, but don’t. (Your drawers are full of lonely socks that were separated at birth never again to be reunited with their next of kin).
8. You have a biohazard or a warning sign in your bedroom. (Not to mention a heavy metal poster and a more than revealing female celebrity poster.)
9. Your collections mean more to you than family, friends or life or death. Cursed is anyone who plays with it without express prior permission.
10. Your collections are fully itemised, categorised and analysed. You’d sell your kidney if you could get your hands on that one missing item. (Seriously, you’ve thought about it.)
Nerdus Brainus
Nerdus brainus is the family of nerds that are so smart that they’re prone to little obsessions. Everything they see, read and hear is called data, ready to be evaluated, categorised and challenged! Watch out!
1. Sometimes your brain is that big that some people wonder where your heart is. (You sometimes wonder where their brain is!)
2. When you hear a statistic on television, you enjoy disagreeing with it and compare it with other statistics you have.
3. When someone’s telling you a story, you just want them to get to the end of it and tell you what happened.
4. When someone’s telling you a joke, you find it hard to concentrate on it and by the time the punch line comes you’ve totally missed it. You laugh as authentically as you can.)
5. You enjoy listening to viewpoints you don’t agree with as well as listening to people talk about things you’ve never heard before. It’s all good food for thought.
6. You regularly bring to light (or think about) factual discrepancies in close friends accounts of things that took place when you were actually there as well. This really annoys people but it was their fault for making up the facts.
7. You rarely read fiction. The closest you get to it is science fiction. You love a good, hard fact.
8. When you’ve noticed a double crease in your trousers or shirt (or even a small spot of something) it really annoys you. (Unless you have a big helping of Nerdus anorakus as well.)
9. When you walk into a room, you become aware of all of the background noise including what music is being played. Sometimes it’s a song you haven’t heard for ages and it gets you really excitable.
10. When someone listens to you, you need them to stop everything they're doing and look you in the eyes. That way you know you have their full attention.
Nerdus Dumbus
Nerdus dumbus is the family of nerds that are particularly clumsy and unco-ordinated. Don't blame them - they can't help it. You wouldn't pick on a blind person, would you now?
1. If there’s a drink left on the ground next to a sofa, you’re the one likely to knock it over.
2. It is impossible for you to go 12 months without scraping your car against something. (If there is an extra high curb, you are likely to hit it.)
3. At first you think they’ve been stolen, then the reality sets in, you’ve lost another set of keys (not to mention your bank cards.)
4. You say the first thoughts that come into your head which seemed brilliant at the time. After the innuendo was pointed out you wished you could swallow your words.
5. Your teeth are in need of some urgent attention but eating only on the left hand side of your mouth has given you some breathing and space (and eating space).
6. When you sing a song, you only actually know the first line. The rest of it you’ve just made up and tried to make it look like you really knew it. (This amuses all who watch on.)
7. You are a brilliant Dad dancer, but you are actually attempting to seriously dance! (You also love a bit of air guitar when everyone’s gone out.)
8. When you go on holiday, you usually forget one very important item – like your swimmers, a towel, toiletries or your passport.
9. When people are gathered around and you try to share a really funny joke you often forget the punchline.
10. You tell everyone you’re not keen on golf because it bores you. The real reason is because the golf course needs major reconstruction after you’ve been.
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